My birthday is on Saturday and I'm sad. What else is new.

Am I ever going to be happy?

I'm still working hard, still looking for a new job, and still lonely and confused.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

All I want is to be loved...I guess. And a job in my field and I'll be okay. That is what I want for this year.

i am who i am
1:06 AM

Words to live by.....

"If the game shakes me or breaks me
I hope it makes me a better man woman
Take a better stand
Put money in my moms hand
Get my daughter this college plan, so she don't need no man
Stay far from timid
Only make moves when ya heart's in it
And live the phrase Sky's The Limit
Motherfucker... see you chumps on top

Sky is the limit and you know that you keep on
Just keep on pressin on

Sky is the limit and you know that you can have
what you want, be what you want"

The Notorious One.

I am exhaused fom planning and executing Wendy's album release party. Thank God it went well. We worked too hard for it not to. I didn't come home for 3 days. Slept at the station...all type of craziness. Well if you listen to the show then you know, and if you don't you miss a day and you miss a lot. Puffy came, Jadakiss and the Lox came, Al Sharpton came, Dan Quail came, Ron Artest, Lynn Whitfield, MC Lyte was there, Q - Tip DJed, Talib Kweli was there Juelz Santana and people I either didn't see or have to 'babysit'. I think there are pictures online at wireimage.com

If I had any doubt about wanting this career they are no more.
I just have to work real hard at it, cause I want it bad.
And I'm going to get it.

Now I need to find another job and I can go from there.

i am who i am
1:33 PM

Your #1 Love Type: INFP

The Idealist In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship. For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up. Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive. However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space. Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

Your #2 Love Type: ENFP

The Inspirer In love, you are passionate and eager to develop a strong bond.For you, sex should be playful, creative, and affectionate. Overall, you are perceptive and bring out the best in your partner. However, you tend to hold on to bad relationships after they've turned bad. Best matches: INTJ and INFJ

Your #3 Love Type: INFJ

The Protector In love, you strive to have the perfect relationship. For you, sex is nearly a spiritual experience, a bonding of souls. Overall, you have high expectations for any relationship you're in. However, you tend to hold back a part of yourself. Best matches: ENTP and ENFP

I think that all of these are pretty true about me. I've never actually had the kind of relationship that I want. I'm not even sure if it possible anymore. Maybe what I'd like is impossible. I think that I am starting to believe that and I find that I've been settling.

I decided to stay at home today. First of all I think I was a little sad about the fact that I lost that dumbass job. Second, my face is once again doing something weird. I have some weird type of rash, it is flaky and crsty and my face is swollen. The last thing I need is for Wendy to ask me what is wrong with my face. Also I was just tired. Sometimes I forget that I especially need extra rest. I know I said I was going to but I have not been taking care of myself properly. I have been eating sporadically and sometimes not at all. I've been feeling very very fat lately. I hope my face is better tomorrow. It probably won't be and I'm trying to go to a listening party and a networking party. Great.

My brother emailed my from my cousin's sidekick. He left me his cell number. I would like to call him, but it is probably a trap. My family is not above using children for their evil plans. I think that he did this on his own though. So maybe I'll give him a call and block my number. I'm not sure yet, but I'll figure it out. Today is my grandmother's birthday and I didn't send a card like I had intended. I seriously cannot afford it. I'm not that pressed about my grandma, but my mom's birthday is in 10 days and I have to send her something...anything.

Dang that means my birthday is in 17 days. I should update and post my wish list.

i am who i am
7:48 AM

So yesterday I did end up going to speak to Trevor. I cried and he listened and I felt much better. I spoke with Kathy and Kenya on my way home and that also helped to lift my spirits. Before I went to bed I had a conversation with David which I proceeded to cry some more. His advice, "Fuck them bitches."

After getting of the phone with him and on my way to work I prayed. My train was stuck on the train for 20 minutes so I prayed and was calm and called and left a message for my trainer. Even after getting off the bridge the train moved as slow as molasses so needless to say I was late. I walked in found a seat and picked right up. The day was going fine and then I got fired!!! Well I should say that my training class got fired. Thank God I prayed cause I probably should be more distraught about it. I just came on in to my internship where more shit proceeded to go down. (if you heard it you heard it)

Today was a day for the books.

i am who i am
8:31 PM

No one else gives a fuck if I'm sad or if I'm crying...
So why should I.

I hate my new job. I actually have things to do for Miss Wendy's album release party. I need a new job and I haven't even done the second day. Why does my life suck so bad. Why do I feel like shit just isn't getting any better. I haven't eaten today and the extra snack I found in my bag ( a peach mango apple sauce) I ended up giving to a homeless person on the train that was actually asking for food. The only 2 people I felt like talking to were not available (I either got their voicemails, or they were emotionally unavailable)so I'll just have to be sad on my way home...Alone. Maybe Trevor has time. Let me try to catch him.

i am who i am
8:12 PM

Your Birthdate: July 2

Your birth on the 2nd day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your life. The 2 is a very social number allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are more prone than most to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil. It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.

So true...

i am who i am
1:08 AM

Is anyone going to this? I'm considering it.

It's been way to hot here and I'm going to have to pull my nebulizer out very soon. I've just been hot and sweaty and looking a hot mess lately. This weather doesn't agree with my hair at all.

I got a job. We'll see how long it lasts. It is telemarketing, and I'm not the best seller. I have one day off a week so I can still do my internship. Wish me luck cause I start on Monday.

I'm in love with this.

i am who i am
2:12 PM

I went to my internship yesterday so I opted not to go in today. Good thing because I feel like crap. I PROMISE tomorrow that I will go and reapply for my health insurance. I realize that I have not been doing a good job of taking care of myself and I need to start. My birthday is a month away and I realize that I need to change a few things. (Shout out to all my fellow Cancers... What's good Alissa?) Yesterday I met Queen Afua. She has a lot of interesting things say, but I don't think I can stop eating meat forever. As a matter of fact lately I've been having very strong beef cravings. I do think that I can try to incorporate some of things into my life. Like seasonal detoxes. I'm learning how to take care of myself. That sounds strange but I can take care of everyone but me. So I'm learning small steps at a time.

I also want to focus more on finishing my script. I need to work more on the character bios cause they seem pretty flat right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever show it to anyone other than my friend Katina, but I'd feel good knowing that I complete it.

Today I'm going to call another temp agency and ask them about applying with them. I need a job if for no other reason that I need to buy my mother a birthday gift for June 25. I'm not sure what to get her. I've never gone this long without speaking to her. I need a job so that I can work on getting out of here. I don't think I can do this for much longer. I was kinda sad about it but I 'talked' to David and he cheered me up. At least I know he and Kathy believe in me. I just need to work on believing in myself. Small steps...small steps.

i am who i am
3:05 PM

Somethings in life hit you with the force of a truck that you weren't aware was even there.
Other things you can count on like clock work. I see this coming a mile away, but I don't know how to prepare for it.
I'd better just hold on and and enjoy the ride.

i am who i am
10:53 AM