I want to go the Christmas tree lighting and maybe the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. That is one thing I've never been to. My only problem is that these things are no fun alone. So I probably won't go.


i am who i am
1:08 PM

So I went to the 'audition'...which is how they referred to it in the email. When I left the house I still felt unprepared but vowed to put my best foot forward. I was a couple of minutes late because of train delay. It was my first time taking the Air Train. It is fairly new, and before it was complete, if you wanted to get to the airport from the train, there was a FREE shuttle bus that went around to all the stations. Well when I got off the elevator and entered the Air Train area, it was to my surprise that you had to pay to board. Not just the regular MTA fare of $2.00, but $5.00! Now mind you I just paid $2.00 to get to Howard Beach, and had put an extra $2.00 on my Metrocard for my return fare. Luckily I had four singles and a dollar in change. I asked one of the employees if this $5 will be enough to go and come. She said yes, so I paid the $5.00 and got to the interview.

It was the longest interview that I've ever experienced, but it was enjoyable. They gave me a typing test which I'm glad I passed. Some people were eliminated right away from no passing that. Then I had an individual interview with two supervisors, and then a group role playing session. Everyone there was very friendly and I rode the Air Train back with another lady with the most adorable boys after Kathy's Julian and Clarence. Thank God she was there and thank God she was nice enough to give me her unlimited Air Train card since she had others because her job buys them for free. I literally had 35 cents. There is no one I could have called for a ride and I would just been straight up stranded. So close but yet so far. Needless to say I'm exhausted, hungry and in pain with no dough. Gotta finish some stuff for my homie Kathy who is moving. I wanna have this info to her first thing in the morning...I hope. I may just have to call it a night.


i am who i am
8:44 PM

I needed something to help put me in the holiday mood. I can't believe that it is that time of year already. 2004 was definately not my year. 2005 will be better...I hope. I have no plans for Thanksgiving. None of my family is here, I have no money to cook like I did last year. Last year my Thanksgiving really sucked but I cooked some really good food. I have no idea what I'll be doing this year.

I have been indulging in seld destructive behavior again. I am only hurting me, but it seems I won't stop or can't stop or better yet start doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Why am I so damn lazy. If that is even what it is. I don't know. I still have not been to the doctor or the dentist or the other place I was supposed to go. I am such a bum. My room looks like my closet threw up. I am living in filth...as my mother would say, and I don't really care. I need to stop procrastinating especially about my health. Things are just piling up...literally.

Tomorrow is my job interview. I have no idea what I am wearing and I feel totally unprepared. Today I got an application in the mail from them...the day before. It is one thing if I choose not to complete it until the day before, but to get it to me the day before! And no I haven't filled it out yet. I will though. Tonight. I so seriously need this job. I need so many things and I'm going to have to start paying rent. One of my friends who works for the company says I shouldn't worry about anything. Well that is easy for her to say cause she got the job.

My internship was okay. I was there when Jackee Harry was there. She got the drill.(If you don't listen or read this on a regular basis you probably are lost right now)
I didn't have to go on any ridiculous runs so that was nice. I almost called in sick cause I woke up with hives all over my eyelids and upper face. I took lots of Benedryl and put compresses on my face. My eyes were a little puffy but no one could really tell.

Anyway I've gotta get ready for tomorrow. Wish me luck.


i am who i am
11:05 PM

I haven't been updating cause I haven't had anything nice to say.
My family has been fighting over the house. So far it looks like I don't have to move. I'd just have to pay rent. I also have a job interview next Friday so wish me luck.

Right now I'm in DC visiting my friend Stef. I haven't seen her since July. I also saw my homie Aura. There are a few other people I'd like to see but I doubt that will happen or if it would be for the best. I'm not going to stress myself this weekens. I'm just gonna have fun with Stef and Aura.

I miss not talking to Kathy and I've only been here a day. Now I'm gonna have to listen to Miss Wendy online. The internship has been going well. I think Miss Wendy and Mr Dave like me, the verdict is still out on Art. On Tuesday I rode the elevator with Chuck D. He was very friendly.

i am who i am
1:47 PM

This is my favorite show right now.


Congratulations! You are Gabrielle Solis, the
ex-model with everything she's every wanted a
rich husband, a big house and John, the
17-year-old gardener.


Which Desperate Housewife are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I don't know if I would have picked Gabrielle. But she does get to have sex with Miguel from Passions (Jesse Metacalf) so ya gotta love that.


i am who i am
1:45 PM

Today I was talking to my little brother on the phone and he made me mad like he always does, cause he thinks everything is funny, even when it is not. I hate people who do that. Don't try to insult me to make a joke. So he say "Well what do you like?" and my response was "You know what I like, Josh. Music. Music make me high." He repeated "Musice makes me high" in a confused tone that informed me that he was unaware that of the song. So I sang a little of it and then said " I guess you'd have to be a real hip hop head to know that song at your age. But you are not." All he could say was "Yeah I guess so." I bet doesn't even know how to do the lil Lost Boys dance. (When I lived in Meridian we seemed to do that a lot, cause we were wack.) I guess next time I see him I'll show him, so he can do it with me around the house.

It is so funny that we had that convo earlier, because right now I literally feel high and I'm in a great mood, which is a rarity. Music really does make me high. Here's some of what I've been listening to. This isn't in any specific order... it's on random cause I like suprizes:

• Mario - C'mon
• Mario - Let Me Love You (my favorite song)
• LeToya Luckett - You Got What I Need (my other favorite song. DAMN BEYONCE FOR SAYING SHE WAS TONE DEAF!!!!)
• Solange - Feeling You
• Luda, LL, Keith Murray - Fatty Girl
• Jay-Z & Mya - Best of Me
• Marques Houston - Clubbin
• Cam'ron - Hey Ma
• R. Kelly Thioa Thoing (WTF does that mean?)
• Musiq - Forthenight
• Bleek & Jay-Z - Do My Ladies...(I think that is the name)
• Cathy Dennis - C'mon and Get My Love
• Nas and some other folks - Oochie Wally (LOL stay home givin blow jobs. No other girls except my nasty ass likes this song.)
• Juvenile - Nolia Clap (Kathy the video with the broke hand man)
• Lil Kim & Jay-Z - Not sure of the name but you know how it goes...I used to be scared of the...you know the rest I remember... Big Momma Thang.
• Keyshia Cole - I Changed My Mind
• Terror Squad - Take Me Home
• Fabolous - Breathe
• Ja Rule, Jadakiss, Fat Joe - New York, New York

Notice there is no Kanye on that list...Kanye listening is reserved for special times.

I'm tired of talking politics. All I have to say is come 2008 just maybe.... a Clinton/Obama bill. Won't that be the day.




i am who i am
11:30 PM

My weekend was pretty much blah. I felt like crap most of the weekend. I didn't get to clean like I'd planned and then today the plague of the woman has come and I've been vomiting all day. I was supposed to go to the dentists today and run some errands. I still need to run some errands but the dentist will have to wait until Wednesday. I still am not sure where I'm going cause I still don't have a job. Maybe I'm being too picky about where I'm applying but I don't think so. It is slightly difficult for me to get regular jobs, because I've never had one. I've never really had a job other than Taco Bell when I was 17 and the Census that hasn't been media/entertainment related. That hurts me when I do try to find 'normal' administrative types of positions. I will find something though. I'm probably going to stay with my auntie (she lives upstairs but is looking for someplace now too) until I can find something for myself.

I'm watching Starting Over right now and today's topic is anger. Since I don't have a group or therapists to discuss my anger with I'm going to do it here. That is my disclaimer, so if you don't wanna hear me bitch then stop reading.

I suppress a lot of anger. I always tell people that I'm really not a nice person. I try to be and I work very hard at that facade. Right now they have this anger exercise of whacking this piece of cardboard to release anger. I just had a real break down because there are so many things that I should be am angry about but I attempt to overlook it and try to killl my anger with kindness. I will never be totally happy until I deal with all of this. I have scratched some of the surface with Dr. Jackson but I never wanted her to see me really angry, because I throw stuff and get really violent. (Like the one time I trashed my dorm rooom in Meridian) I know a lot of people look at therapy in a funny light but honestly that is one thing I think that all people could benefit from. No one is taught how to deal with anger, loss, or abandonment. Most people ignore it and it just grows and festers. I need to not hold things in. I need to tell people how I feel. Even when I think it is going to hurt their feelings. I've got a lot of work to do on me. Someday I'll get it right.


i am who i am
1:27 PM