* Friday, October 31, 2003 *

Yeah so it is Halloween.
I've never been trick or treating or any of that stuff.
My mom would buy me candy though.

Speaking of her, it is going on a month with no word from her. She knows that my I don't have long distance and no other way to contact her. I need to call collect or something cause I may have to be here past December and I have no money. I am not looking forward to having this conversation, but I have no food (well almost no food) and I still don't have any winter clothes. I don't even want to get into that. I do need to deal with that situation as well. I think it is very unfair and I have been way too passive and nice as far is that is concerned.

Anyway I need to figure out my whole academic situation very soon.

Back to Halloween, my roommate is going to a party. She wants me to go shopping on Saturday, but I have no money and I think it will just depress me. Maybe we get paid at work today? Maybe. I hope I have some money by next week cause I am supposed to be going to see the new Matrix movie. It is not a date, well I'm not really sure. I'll get back to you on that.

i am who i am
1:34 PM

* Tuesday, October 28, 2003 *

As promised here is a recipe for sada roti. I couldn't find one for the pumpkin choka. If I do I'll pass it along.

SADA ROTI
Ingredients:
4 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 ½ cups water

Method:

Mix dry ingredients together in a bowl.
Add water gradually, mixing until soft and pliable into a smooth dough.
Knead well and place on floured board.
Cover with damp cloth and leave for ½ hour.
Divide dough into four pieces and shape into round balls.
Roll ball of dough on floured board into a flat round shape, ½ inch thick.
Place on tawa, pulling outer edges.
Cook on moderately hot tawa until dough becomes brown and rises.
Turn to other side and cook.

i am who i am
9:11 PM

* *

I woke up at 3:45 AM today, so right now I'm a little tired.
I have the damn women's sickness so I guess that is why I have been vomiting. I really don't feel well today.

Do any of you watch this show on NBC Starting Over?
This show is CRAZY!!! First of all the life coaches suck, and the assignemets they give are sometimes irrelevant, silly and dangerous. And Nyanza. SHE MAKES ME FUCKING SICK. I hate the fact she is the only black girl on that show. She is NOT authentic, and she has not gotten any better. She is such a bitch. I wonder where she got her law degree. She thinks that people actually want to be her. Cassie is just her Mini Me. Maureen is not funny. Lori, Andy and Christine are just...Well ya'll need to watch the show.

I'm wearing my hair curly today. I wore it like that yesterday too. Let's see how long this lasts. Probably not very long, cause I think Keisha is going to press my hair tomorrow morning. I just want to wash my hair. I wish I had some money to go to the shop. Clint is the bomb. He can silk some hair. He doesn't use a pressing comb, he uses a flat iron. So he said it is not pressing it is silking. Whatever it looks hella good. Oh well I can't afford it right now so I'll just have to wait till I can.

i am who i am
1:01 PM

* Monday, October 27, 2003 *

I don't feel so good today.
I've been up since 5:15 talking to Keisha about her bad date. I'm getting sleepy now.
Even though my tummy hurts I'm kinda hungry.
I am scared to eat, but I am having a craving for some pumpkin choka and some sada roti.
I don't have any pumpkin, any flour or a tarwa so I guess I won't be having that.
I don't even think I could buy that, even in a so called West Indian restaurant.
Does anyone even know what I'm talking about?
I know Selina probably does, I'm too tired to en explain it. It is good though.

I guess I miss my mom, but I'm kinda mad at her.
She calls me ...never.

i am who i am
9:49 AM

* Sunday, October 26, 2003 *

Last week I was reading through my archives and it made me cry.
I guess that means I'm not going anywhere.
If you don't like it. Too bad.

I don't like this time shifting business I have enough trouble keeping track of the time as it is. Now they want to change it. I have a group meeting at 4, for a class that I am NOT doing well in. I think it is safe to say that I am failing. Maybe if I do well on the project and the next few tests....Well we will see.
I cannot ignore my problems but I need to focus more on the positives, like the 2 classes that I'm sure that I'm passing. Make that 3.

I need to focus more on school and less on other outside forces. When it comes down to it, their priorities are straight. That still doesn't mean that I don't feel how I feel. This past week I wanted to jump out of the window and I think I would have if I didn't have such a fear of pain. With my luck I'd just break my leg, crack my skull and I'd still be alive. Well I'm not having suicidal thoughts today...Which is good and I am going to the meeting which means I'm being productive.
Productivity is key.

Work is okay. I need to get paid. My weekend sucked. I wanted to see Scary Movie 3 but no one I wanted to go with wanted to go and I didn't feel like going alone. I think I can only do that when it is Harry Potter. Anyway after awhile I didn't even want to go anymore. I haven't heard anyone talk about it yet. I wonder if it was any good.

I gotta get ready for the meeting.

i am who i am
3:20 PM

* Monday, October 20, 2003 *

TODAY IS NOT A GOOD DAY.
I'm thinking I might just give all this blogging shit up.
It is getting me in trouble.

i am who i am
1:19 PM

* Saturday, October 18, 2003 *

Just a lil change...
Nothing too drastic.

I am still kinda depressed (see previous post) and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm getting pissed too cause someone told me that That's So Raven comes on on Saturday morning on ABC, but so far all I see are infomercials. ... well okay Stich is starting so I guess it iis time for the cartoons. I haven't watched Saturday morning cartoons in ages. I guess I should clean up while I watch.

i am who i am
10:54 AM

* Friday, October 17, 2003 *

Chocolate fudge

What dessert are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I hope this cake is moist...cause I don't like dry assed cake...It looks good though.

I've been kind of depressed lately because I am realizing that I care an enormous amount for someone who:
1. doesn't seem to care about my feelings
2. treats me like shit
3. and uses me for whatever when it is convenient for him
All my friends think that I am the dumbest bitch alive. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just leave him alone and I know that he doesn't like me or feel the same way that I feel...but... I can't even explain. It's weird because I have know this person for a while but it has only been within this last week that I am realizing how deeply I feel about this person.
I don't know what to do, but I need to stop tormenting myself.

i am who i am
10:45 AM

* Thursday, October 16, 2003 *

I've got a lil sweet tooth...

LOW-FAT CARAMEL APPLE COBBLER

10 oz. frozen apple slices
2 T. apple juice
1/2 C. fat free caramel topping
1 T. lemon juice
2/3 C. unbleached all-purpose flour
1/4 C. brown sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
Cool Whip FatFree

Thaw apples. In medium glass bowl, combine apple juice and caramel topping.
Microwave, uncovered, on HIGH for 2 minutes, stirring twice during cooking. Add
apples and lemon juice, stirring until coated; set aside.
In medium bowl, combine flour, sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle over apple mixture.
Microwave, uncovered on HIGH for 7 minutes or until heated through. Sprinkle
apple mixture with additional cinnamon. Chill for 1 hour.
Top with Cool Whip just before serving.
160 cals; 1 g fat; 1 g. fiber
8 Servings

i am who i am
8:22 AM

* Monday, October 13, 2003 *

I have been trying to update this thing all weekend, to let everyone know what went on for homecoming. Every time that I tried it would either get deleted, my computer would turn off of something crazy like that. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason, cause this nothing that happened this whole weekend can compare to what I did last night.
Honestly I don't think that it would be wise of me to get into details, but I did something that I never thought I would ever do. Now in the average person's book I would fit the description of a cheap ho. I did what I did half because I felt like I had to and half because of my crazy heart. Right now I miss Tahira. I tried to call her earlier but she couldn't really talk and neither could I. She understands me, I even she couldn't understand this.
WHAT THE FUCK DO MY ROOMMATES THINK! I guess it really isn't any of their business. Shit and neither one of them is an angel.

These are things I wish I could say:

Damn I really fucking cared about you. Shit I damn near loved you..and now I see just how much you don't give a fuck about me. I am way to old to be doing and going through the same juvenile shit I did when I was 15.
The worst part is that I still care and I still love you and I only did it because of that, but at the same time that is what made it so fucked up.
I hate myself for caring about you, and I hate you for not seeing how much I love you and thinking I'm someone that can be passed around, like a T-shirt.

I don't need to say anymore....

i am who i am
12:16 PM

* Tuesday, October 07, 2003 *

I lost my shout out box...

i am who i am
10:28 AM

* Friday, October 03, 2003 *

I had a terrible panic attack yesterday because I am a slacker and I didn't want to go into my class late.
I'm stressed out and I am not doing what I am supposed to do. I did some thinking and I spent the night at my friend Stephanie's house. I really needed that. I need to stop stressing and worrying about everything that is not relevent or important.
I am going home.
BTW...I got a job at a school in the afternoon. Nothing to time consuming but it will pay. Actually I'm my friend Stephanie's assistant for her dance program. I like kids...I like dance....I love Stephanie...I hope it works out.

i am who i am
11:40 AM

* Wednesday, October 01, 2003 *

borderline

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ahhh another quiz that has me nailed. Sometimes it is scary, cause this one is pretty right. Only I don't self mutilate, I do feel like I am a candidate for extensive psychological help, but aren't we all. My minor is psychology too.

I am still loving my new colors. They remind me of spring and pink lemonade. But I got to snap out of it cause it ain't spring and it ain't summer ....it's cold. Maybe not that cold but the weather is changing really fast and you know I don't have any winter clothes. My ex boyfriend's mom sent me a sweater yesterday, and some other pants set thing that is kinda like velour but not quite. I wanted to go home and go shopping this weekend but I signed up for community service and I really don't want to back out. This same thing happened last weekend. I signed up for it quite some time ago and didn't realize that they were back to back. Oh well so as of right now I have two sweaters, two 3/4 sleeved shirts from H&M, one long sleeved shirt from H&M and the sweater the ex boyfriend's mother bought me. (along with the other thing she bought). I left my winter winter coat at home but I have my very cute Ecko Red white whistler jacket, so I hope that keeps me warm enough until I can get home to get my bear. (that is the nickname for my brown furry coat) I still want a pea coat. My friend Brooke was asking me if they were out of style. I'm not sure. I told her I thought they were classics. She said one man's classic is another man's last season. I guess she is right, but I still want one.
Yesterday was my best friend's 25th birthday. I am so glad I got to speak to her. Man this really a year of big changes for her. She is pregnant, she is moving into a two bedroom apartment in Co-Op City, and her boyfriend proposed to her yesterday. I am so happy for her. I just feel bad cause I'm all the way out here.
Anyway I gotta go try to obtain this book for a class I've only been to once, so I can at least look like a semi slacker tomorrow. I hope I can stay up and read cause I just got the damn women's sickness and something tells me this is gonna be a rough night.

i am who i am
6:10 PM