it seems like the more that I try to deny it,
the more that i want to partake in that in which i made forbbiden.
deep down inside I know what i want,
i know how i feel but it is out of my reach and that is
why i never wanted to want it in the first place.
unfortunately now i'm in too deep.
now the damage is done and i cannot help myself or
be responsible for the future and past decisions made by my heart.

i am who i am
4:41 AM

Today began better than it has ended up.
I finally got to register after missing class for two days. It was over 69 degrees today. I wanted to wear this really cute white shirt I just got but it deoderant on it. (it was that gel stuff) So I changed. Now I got these some new shoes, some black and white Air Force 1s and the new fold down Timbs. All of a sudden I can't find any other shoes. Besides that I was wearing capris so I wore some black sandals instead. I got to class late and while I was in class it began to rain. Thank goodness I had put my umbrella and my denim jacket in my bag. The shuttle to go back to my dorm was crowded and the bus driver drove like we were in a funeral procession. I got back to the dorm and chilled and ae cookies with Angela next door until about 4:45 and then I checked my email and talked on the IM. I began to feel really sick. My right ear hurts and my throat is killing me. Keish came home and updated me on her day and then as I'm packing my back to go to my 6:00 class I realize, I CANNOT FIND MY FUCKING CELL PHONE! The last place I saw it was in class when I checked the time. Now I did pull out my umbrella and jacket. I check the Poli Sci department office cause it is right across the hall from the class but the receptionist had already left so I have to call in the morning. I also asked the shuttle driver and he said they didn't find any cell phones today, only a purse. I just got it so I know it has a warranty and it is insured, but I don't wanna go through the hassel of getting a new one if it isn't neccesary and b, I have lots of numbers in it that I don't have written down.
OH FATHER IN HEAVEN WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING GO RIGHT ALL AT ONCE! Lord please help me to retain my sanity. Howard is drivng me crazy and now this. I think I'm about to have a breakdown...Lord I hope not, cause I cannot handle it right now.
On top of all this I feel terrible, my eyes hurt and I just wanna sleep but I have to go to a group meeting @ the iLab...maybe Keish is right I should just call and say I can't come....(calling...) Okay I let them know and now I'm gonna go make tea.

i am who i am
7:45 PM

Unfortunately spring break is over and I'm back in crummy DC. It was good. I saw my best friend a lot. I am glad that she made an effort to see me. It means a lot. There were a few things I didn't get to do and people I didn't get to see. During the summer I'll have much more time. Now it is back to the grind. I am supposed to be registering for the Fall, but they put a hold on my account so I have to sort that out. I am so not ready to get back into that student mode. Ahhh, just till the end of the year.

i am who i am
9:42 AM

I m having entirely too much fun on this damn spring break. I get to see my best friend Tahira, chill with my cousin Lenrich and my girls from school at my house like everyday. Ange is having fun and so is Keish. I just miss Malik, a little. I swear I keep mentioning his name. I can tell I just miss having someone to take care of. Anyway, I dont know when the next time I'll get to update so.... peace.

i am who i am
1:09 AM

Step back for a minute. Check in with loved ones. Together you'll work this out. That is my horoscope for today...we'll see.
I am procrastinating like usual. I swear this is a disorder or something. I want to do my work, I am really trying but I am not getting anything done. I am really gonna start now...for real.

i am who i am
2:38 PM

I am really lookimng forward to Friday...cause it is spring break. I'm just going home but there are so many things to do and people to see. Plus Angela is coming home with me and Keish is always over at my house anyway. We are gonna have so much fun...I think, no, I know. Plus I get to see al my friends at home and my cousins. I just have to get through this week. I have a take home test and a paper and presentation to complete and then I just have to do laundry and pack. I'm so glad I have some thing to look forward to. I saw Dr. Jackson today and she helped me realize that no matter how bad things seem, they are much better than they were last year at this time. And although I have a lot tof things I need to work out, I am doing okay.

i am who i am
8:32 PM

Why do my fucking friends keep doing the same shit to make me mad. I am so pissed right now!
IF AM NOT IN MY MUTHERFUCKING ROOM DO NOT LOOK FOR ME!
WHEN YOUR FUCKING ASS IS DOING WHAT EVER THE FUCK YOU DO I DO NOT LOOK FOR YOU!
SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
WHY ARE ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDS SO DAMN TRIFLING???????
PS. I got my hair done and it looks really cute and yesterday it was is little twists. I kinda like the versitility of natural hair. I still like locs but like my hair now, so I don't know.
RIP BIG...you know I can't ever forget ya.

i am who i am
5:39 AM

Well I just got off the phone with my friend Chenell. She thinks I'm doing the right thing by coming back in the Fall. Sometimes you really need a shoulder to cry on. I thank God for the few people in my life who are genuine. A lot of people have been dissapointing me lately, which really sucks cause although I am not perfect, I think I've been a very good friend. Oh well, you live and you learn.
Happy birthday to my cousin Lenrich...21, so ya think ya grown now?

i am who i am
4:12 PM

I not doing well in school at all. I am not sure if I am going to be able to afford summer school so tha means I'll be back here in the damn Fall, which something I really wanted to avoid. I am not sure what is gonna happen with practicu now cause I read the syllabus and it says that anyone who misses turning in three diaries in a row gets an automatic F. I'm going to go to class today ans hopefully she will take my assignments. It doesn't even make a difference cause she is the only one who teaches it, so whether I do it now or then I'm gonna have to deal with her mean ass. The whole school situation just has me out of it. I really don't even want to go to class. I feel like if I'm going to be here in the fall too I can deal with it later. How am I gonna tell my mom. Dr Jackson says that I need to take care of my health because I've been getting all these headaches and nausea and just body aches and this has been going on for a minute. Right now I feel really dizzy. I hope this all works out. I think I'm just gonna drop it cause if I have to come back in the Fall I might as well try to get at least all Cs this semester and take care of all my incompletes and grade changes. So my question is....what do I do about my internship?

i am who i am
3:51 PM

This weekend was pretty crazy. Friday night my budidies decided that they wanted to have a party. WE LIVE IN A DORM...WE CANNOT HAVE A PARTY! So I drank a whole lot and went to bed. On Saturday I kind jsut longed around and hung out with Malik. He made his best of JaRule CD, then at about 4 we got hungry and we ate these Pilsbury toaster strudell things that I bought him. Then we came back to my room and ...uh...went to sleep. Na, we really went to sleep. But it was the most sexually stimulating sleep I have ever had, I was having freaky dreams, he kept touching me, and my butt kept touching something else. Then the fire alarm went off at like 9 and he went home. Latel my mind has just been int he gutter as a whole. I need to think about God and school and stop wanting to have sex all the time.
Damn why am I such a freak...and the irony of that is that I am not really having sex with anyone.
Today I'm cooking and studying and getting ready for school.
Big up to my girls Kara and La cause they always show me love. You know I am always here for ya'll.


i am who i am
5:32 PM