For some reason I have not been wanting to update this. I guess I go through phases. That coupled with a busy life makes me a lazy writer. (Not that what I scribble here should be considered as real writing) Someone recently told me that I should refer to myself as a writer more often. I guess the more you affirm it the more you believe it and that is half the battle. I need a new computer. It's strange. I can't type. Seriously. I went for the job interview of a fucking lifetime recently and didn't even get to 'interview' because I didn't pass the typing test. Failed would probably be an understatement. But with that said, find it easier to write certain things on a computer than by hand. Maybe it's just a pathetic excuse.

Life is okay. I can always use an improvement. Like usual I feel like I need to move. Like usual I need a job, although I've taken up a part time job in order to get some health insurance. I need one job that offers benefits and that is something I wouldn't mind doing for another 2-3years. I'm tired of job hopping. I was hoping that I'd have one by my birthday but I guess my new request is before this temp job is over in October.

I'm not complaining but I really need to make some changes and most of them I can't make until my job situation changes.

I'll try to update more...

i am who i am
4:44 PM

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Film ::
career

2. Dragon ::
slayer ; Sisqo

3. Hunger ::
food stamps

4. Plucked ::
eyebrows

5. Dissolving ::
Alka Seltzer

6. Executive ::
assistant

7. Ridiculous::
my job situation

8. Mist ::
rain

9. Minority ::
me

10. Map ::
train

We spoke. We fought. I cried. He told me he loves me. I love him. We are trying to start over. The move might be good for us. Time will tell. We both aren't perfect, but we are trying. Stayed with him last night.

The job situation is getting to me. I know that it will improve....BUT WHEN!!!!

Tonight I'm going home to my room. I told him I'll help him pack tomorrow. So we'll see.

i am who i am
6:03 PM

What a long and exhausting weekend. To make I long story short, I moved half of my stuff. I need to go and get the other half. I also know that I can't stay where I am past December. I love my roommates, but the location really sucks and it is time for me to have something that is my own. So I'll be there for a while and then it is on to a place that belongs to just me.

I'm still in love and this move although it should be happy is very bittersweet. I think we need this though...if there is ever going to be a WE in the future. There are some issues that we both need to sort out. HE IS NOT A BAD PERSON! HE IS NOT A MONSTER! AND I HONESTLY DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS I'M NOT GONNA JUST STRAIGHT UP ABANDON HIM. That is what everyone else has done, which is a part of the reason he is the way he is. I will say that I can no longer let him be my main priority, or think along the lines of us. I have to look out for me. That might sound a little selfish, but if you know me you know just how hard it is for me to say that, not to mention do that.

I'm working on getting some counseling...Ya'll know how much I love therapy, right. But at this point I need it. He admitted that needs it too.

We'll see.

One good thing is that Heroes comes on tonight.

i am who i am
11:06 AM

Things have taken a turn for the worst. I'm exhausted. I want to stop going through this, but I'm keeping myself back. I need to move on. I can't. No one understands, or cares and I guess I don't blame them. I'm scared but I'm in love. Not a good combo.

i am who i am
12:06 PM

Today's had several ups and downs...and the night is still young. I'm going out tonight. I hope that I have a nice time.

Let's do this. It's been a minute

1. Tumor ::
cancer

2. Bunch ::
grapes

3. Gratitude ::
kind

4. Feel alive ::
breathe

5. Connect ::
neurons (random)

6. Temptation ::
sex

7. Brighten::
sunlight

8. Jewelry ::
engagement ring

9. Tough ::
steak

10. Harmless ::
what people say about mickies and flies...I HATE THEM BOTH!!!!

LOL.

Job interview tomorrow...and Thursday too. We'll see.

i am who i am
6:49 PM

I may disappear but that usually doesn't mean I'm gone for good. I've been through a lot since my last post. Lots of low points, but things are definitely looking up. He is still in my life and I currently still live there. That part is actually going to change in about 2 weeks. Still doing temp jobs but it's cool. I've been at the same one for 4 months. It is ending soon. I've been on lots of job interviews this past month so maybe something will pan out. Ultimately I'm happy but I just have to make some changes. They are happening slowly but surely. My life is like that. Either things happen all at once really fast or slower than the thickest of molasses on a freezing day. Like usual I have faith. Even on my darkest days I believe that there is better and I aspire for that.

Today is Monday and to me that is always a happy day cause Heroes comes on. That show is the shit! I'm glad they've gotten picked up for a second season. I need an iPod or the new pink Zune so that I can download it. (YES I'M THE ONLY PERSON ALIVE WITHOUT AN MP3 PLAYER!!!!! Which so doesn't make sense with my love of music. How do I ride the train?) Thank God you can watch episodes online. You can do the same thing for my other favorite show, Grey's Anatomy. Speaking of which I haven't actually seen in ages so I think I need to hit up ABC.com.

This is gonna be a summer of a lifetime. I can feel it.

i am who i am
2:19 PM

Okay so I didn't get Atlantic City.
What I did get was to leave the house in anger twice on Christmas Eve. I got to experience sitting on Eastern Parkway, in the cold, in tears at about 11:30PM. Then when I got home he left and I never slept. I cried all night. Slept for an hour and woke up and cried some more. Then I get a call telling me I need to get the fuck out cause he is tired of my irrational ways. So I get out of bed and start to pack. I almost went to the homeless shelter. He gets home. We argue. We make up. He leaves. He comes home and does the same exact thing that pissed me off in the first place on Christmas Eve. This was the worst Christmas I've ever had. No joy or happiness or church or presents or call from my mother (she forgot. and she wonders why i won't fuck with them like that)

i am who i am
2:42 PM